Friday, 27 October 2017

When Uganda satirists humorously ridicule Museveni’s dictatorship


Guidelines on age limit consultations

Having observed what is going on in the consultations held so far, as a patriot, I find it important to issue some guidelines to be followed.
First of all, both sides should keep in mind that this is not meant to be a serious consultative process but a formality.
What we shall do in the end is none of the electorate’s business. So, please desist from wasting time that our people should have spent in their gardens and businesses. You should not abuse their right to work by engaging them in rallies.
Those who are opposed to the age limit amendment bill should keenly take note of the following:
Ideally, consultations should be conducted in maximum silence, and, at best, without any crowds. But if you can’t avoid this, then it shall not be allowed for people to scream in excitement and to chant songs against the regime. That is inciting violence and it contravenes principles of patriotism.
You are allowed to sing if you must, but make sure that the songs you sing do not annoy anyone who is in support of removing age limits. In future, you should consider informing police about all the songs you intend to sing during your consultations.
You will also need to write your speeches and send us copies before we allow you to speak. We are also considering coming up with a word count for your speeches and are compiling a list of prohibited vocabulary.
Words like ageende, we are tired, SFC, corruption, life presidency, dynasty, elderly, etc are being unpatriotically misused and may soon be banned in consultations. We have also received shocking information that k’ogikwatako is a vulgar word and we shall soon send it to the anti-pornography committee for vetting, to see if it’s fit for public use.
We have also observed with much concern that your use of public address systems at consultations is in blatant contravention of Nema [National Environment Management Authority] regulations on noise pollution.
Therefore, the use of loud speakers might be reconsidered. We advise you to use your natural voices in order not to disrupt other people’s conversations.
Consider also that standing on roofs of cars while addressing your rallies violates traffic rules and the integrity of cars. Please stand on the ground and speak. If you can’t follow these regulations, please stay at home.
Research by colour psychologists has showed that colour red is associated with danger, war, and aggression. It increases heart rate and makes people breathe faster.
It also excessively stimulates a person’s eyes and can cause irritation. All this on top of attracting lightning! It is, therefore, obvious that this colour is both unhealthy and incites violence. In line with our mandate of protecting Ugandans, red may not be allowed at consultations. Consider using the colour of the sun, which is friendly and less risky.
Intimidation of those who support the bill will not be tolerated. On the other hand, intimidation and harassment of those who do not support it is a patri... Oh, what did I want to say? I think I have forgotten! Let’s move to other more important guidelines, I will come back to this when I remember.
Those who are in support of the bill should be guided by the following considerations:
First, beware of the public. Do not move around anyhow without security. Even when you go to ease yourself, don’t leave your bodyguard behind. The public is a security risk in this matter. We shall always be present to gas them up whenever they start their misinformed nio nio nio.
Keep in mind that they do not know what they want; you are the only one who knows. They envy you for your immense wisdom and foresight; so, they could easily harm you out of ignorance. But what is more important for you to remember is that they voted you to think for them.
Cognisant of that beautiful fact then, consultation is not really relevant for you. Simply go home, look for the few who think like you and discuss how to skip the useless ignorant masses.
Don’t organise rallies where their numbers will make the bill appear unpopular. Being the majority and being right are two different things, except in parliament.
Don’t get carried away into thinking that you were actually sent to consult. In actual fact this is time for you to scheme and establish ways of coming back with the view you already held (or were told to hold) well dressed up to appear as if it is from the people. No matter what they tell you, simply go back to the House and state your personal view by saying: “My people have said...”
Nobody will ask you for statistics or any other kind of evidence to back up your report. So, you are totally safe. That’s why I advised you earlier not to take the consultation thing too seriously; it’s impotent.
Regarding processions and demonstrations, both sides are not allowed to organise demonstrations/protests about this bill. But we are facing a challenge in implementing this. You know the yellow colour is a bit invisible.
So, quite often, those wearing it demonstrate and sometimes beat up members of the other side in our presence but we can’t see them.
However, we promise that after the bill is passed, we shall find a solution to this small problem. If our suggestions hurt anyone, you are free to migrate to another country.
For God and my shamelessness.


I must outdo Evelyn Anite and declare Museveni God

You see, Comrade Evelyn Anite, I have been watching you consistently.
First, it was the sole candidacy mooting championship of 2015 where you stole the show from me, and I kept quiet. You thought I had not seen you, but I knew what you were doing and that my time would come.
Next, it was the ‘We have the magye’ pronouncement race to remind those who are slumbering in childish illusions of opposing the lifting of the age limit from the constitution. They idiotically think the constitution is also theirs.
They don’t know that it is our constitution. These imbeciles; as if they have nothing better to do! You stole this moment too from me. And as usual, I was watching you but chose to keep quiet. But little did you know that I would have the last word and, of course, the last laugh.
You were underrating my arsenal of weapons of mass destruction (WMDs). But now you are done; so, it is my time to prove to you who can do it best, in other words, who has the best interest of our beloved country at heart.
You see, Anite, many have tried earlier, including the George Wilberforce Kakomas of this world who, in their usual delusions, thought they were handing our country over to God to nurture and care for. Idi Amin also tried to practise a democracy made in Uganda in order to neutralize the one imposed by imperialists.
Such a statesman he was! But, nevertheless, he, like others that you obviously don’t know for you have just recently arrived from Mars, also failed.
Now my time has come to prove not only to you but also to the rest of the world that I am the best man alive.
Firstly, I hear that in 2015 you were on your knees. Imagine, only knees! And unfortunately for you, the second time
You even forgot your overused little knees. You simply delivered the feeble maggye proclamation before the media! Just seated, imagine! And you think you were serving the interest of the whole Almighty? Sure?
You should have hung for demeaning the great leader. But I was there laughing and saying to myself, ‘Look at this little woman! Who does she think she is? Yeyitaki? Anajeyita nani? I’m going to show her.’
Now my time has come. And by the way, as I’m casting this magic card to neutralise all your laughable attempts; I’m prostrating exactly flat on the ground, more than even those who do so before the Kabaka and my Omukama in Tooro kingdom.
And, of course, you also didn’t know this golden trick, did you? Now hear this! I, Barongo ba Kafuuzi Ateenyi, do declare on behalf of the cursed children of Uganda that Yoweri Museveni takes on the title of God.
Moreover, I don’t mean any little god that you have known around here but the God Almighty Himself. Why?
The reason is simple. This is the only way to immortalize the man and ensure that the peace, stability and steady progress that he alone could and, indeed, ushered into Uganda last forever.
After all, doesn’t Museveni already own the petroleum and minerals in the ground, the forests, the wild parks, the mountains, the hills, the lakes, the rivers and the dams of this small planet Earth? Indeed, not at all different from God!
Who doesn’t know this? Secondly, you see, the endemic apprehension of the anti-age limit proponents like you Anite, is (the Almighty forbid) the ultimate demise of the great man at one time or another.
So, I’m providing a magic bullet against this craze. Surely, does God die? No. Don’t we continue asking Him for our wellbeing even when we don’t see Him? Of course, yes.
And doesn’t He continue providing for us endlessly? Another yes! Then what are we waiting for? Just give the man his rightful title! Of course, I know the Almighty Himself is listening and He has blessed me for the declaration.
And I know that the likes of Raphael Magyezi, let alone you Anite, cannot hold a candle to me at this game. Now you see? I told you. They say the best man always wins and he who laughs last laughs best.
Now you know that I am that very man. Of course, I know you want to threaten me with your sky-high royal carriage that you displayed the other day in Koboko, akin to the 19th century explorers in Africa over those poor Africa souls’ shoulders.
What’s innovative in that; even Idi Amin Dada, the Conqueror of the British Empire, did it over those lousy whites’ shoulders in the 1970s. No! Wait!
Do you know that by my super declaration, I will be laughing, eating and enjoying at the very right-hand side of the great leader, our God Himself?
Can you afford this feat? Of course not! Sorry! Though, it serves you right.
Tel: 0772858555
The author resides in Kampala.